the arrival

For 39 weeks I carried her. She was with me all the time. She heard and felt my laughters, tears, happiness and pain.

It was after I made nutella brownies that I had strong contractions. Somehow I knew that it was almost time. I prayed hard so that when the time comes, there would be a clear sign.

My water broke at 230am later that night. I woke Ikhwan up and 15mins later the ambulance came. Feeling nervous, they carried me in those beds with rollers that you see on Grey’s Anatomy. The night was dark, silent and cold. I could feel raindrops falling on my face as they pushed me from our house to the krankenwagen (ambulance truck). Ikhwan held my hand throughout the journey to the hospital as I read some selawat to calm myself down.

After some check ups they sent me to the ward and Ikhwan had to go home and could only come back at 730am. I shared the room with a very young turkish girl. She convinced me about taking Epidural and said that she didnt feel any pain at all.

730am and Ikhwan came again. We spoke to the doctor and I had to eat breakfast as I needed the energy and it was gonna be a long day. I cried in the cafeteria cause the contractions were painful. I called my mom and she told me not to cry and to be strong. The whole time Ikhwan was holding my hand and rubbing my back. It felt better. Ikhwan was amazingly strong and never gave up giving me support. I couldn’t have done this without him.

At 9am I took the epidural. They explained everything to me before I signed some serious amount of paperwork. All I wanted was to get it all done.

After more than 13 hours of labour and several screams and pushes, she came into the world. I heard her first cry and it was amazing. Ikhwan and I both cried. Its true. The first time I held her, all the pain went away. The epidural wasn’t working at the last minute. I felt the labour pain. But The 13 hours of labour. The severe morning sickness. The backpain. All of it was worth it when I held her in my arms.

They left the room and gave us some time with her. We didnt say much. We just looked at her. This amazing gift from Allah who was once 0.44mm when I first knew of her existance was now a 3.49kg baby in front of my eyes and looking back at me.

Remember I wrote about seeing meteor shower last Ramadhan? (U can find this post in this blog) It was a special time that I witnessed one of Allah’s greatest creation. Subhanallah. It was then I prayed for many things one of them was to grant us good offspring.

For that we decided to name her Leyla (means night) Ruqayya (one of The Prophet’s daughters). Alhamdulillah.

Never underestimate the power of prayers. Especially during this holy month. Allahuakbar.

Have a meaningful Ramadhan 🙂

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Read between the lines (Part 3)

Days went by and I was still unsure of how I felt. We told our family members and they were all very happy and excited. We decided to keep my pregnancy news only to family members and a few close friends.

I still cant believe it I took the pregnancy test 3 times. Ikhwan said the result is still positive. Why do u still wanna take it? To be sure I made an appointment with a gyneacologist. I had to go alone cause ikhwan had to work. While filling up the forms, the questions seemed so scary.

Do you or your family members have cancer
Do you or your family members have high blood pressure

All those deadly questions.. in German didn’t help much with my anxiety.

The wait in the waiting room was killing me. And when my name was called, I entered the room alone. Suddenly I couldn’t speak German. I was totally blank.

I told her that I might be pregnant and wanted to confirm. She did some tests and did my first scan.

There she was. Leyla. So small at only 0.4mm size. The doctor congratulated me and said I was 5 weeks pregnant. I was speechless as I watch through the screen this special gift from Allah. Such a small human being and I could see her heartbeat. I said to myself Alhamdulillah endlessly and the doctor smiled as she saw tears were running down my eyes..  

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Read between the lines (Part 2)

I was contemplating whether to tell Ikhwan about the result. I have pictured this moment a thousand times in my head and imagined his response to the result. But when the real time came, it was far from what I imagined. It was when I sat down in front of an unfinished chicken curry that he suddenly called me from work. We talked as usual and then I told him. Over the phone.

‘So I took the pregnancy test. Skali dia positive’

He paused and laughed. ‘You’re kidding.’

‘See the funny part is… i’m not.’

His voice changed and we decided to talk about it later. I had to meet him for our driving class later in the evening.

When I reached the driving school he was already there. While waiting for the teacher we just sat there staring at the board but not looking directly at it. We didn’t say a word nor talked about the life changing stick. I wasn’t sure how to define my feelings. It was between shock and excited and nervous all at the same time. I guess he felt the same way too. After class we walked back home together. The normal 10mins walk felt like forever since we were both very silent and for the first time after 3 years being married, it felt so awkward..

To be continued…

Read between the lines

I couldn’t sleep last night. I browsed and arranged some of the pictures saved in my phone. And deleted unnecessary ones. Suddenly those pictures of food didn’t look as tempting.

Looking back at those pictures made me feel like I was reliving the days of my life before. I stopped at one picture that had changed my life completely. Yes. It was the result of the pregnancy test kit. I remember it like it was yesterday.

It was on a Tuesday afternoon that I suddenly decided to get one of those pregnancy test kit at Müller. I bought those test kit so many times before but somehow this time it felt different. When I reached home, I heated the chicken curry and went to the toilet to take the test. It was 1 line after the first 3 minutes so I just left it there at the sink feeling disappointed. After so many times taking the test , the disappointment didn’t matter that much anymore.

So my curry was heated and I was about to have lunch when suddenly I remembered to wash my hands. I went to the toilet again and glanced at the kit. I was confused when suddenly there was another fine line. 2 lines.

I wasn’t sure so I snapped a picture of it and whatsapped it to my sister.

‘Yong. cuba tgk ni’

[Pic attached]

i think u might be pregnant’

I read the manual and it said that to wait for 10 mins to see the results. La!

I sat down for awhile…

To read more.. wait for my next post..


When I say today’s date, I thought, 3.75 years seems like yesterday.

It was on the 13th of June 2009 that me and Ikhwan got married. I still remember vividly how I used to mark how many days left. I was at my old office and I had crossed out 100 and it was 99 days left and I smiled and screamed silently, ‘yes!’. Yeah, girls.

We have transitioned from being I-only-know-that-you-exist schoolmates, to friends to really good friends to bestfriends to girlfriend-boyfriend to not-only-long-distant-but-also-different-day-and-night-timezone-girlfriend-boyfriend to an-8-month-of-only-internet-connection-fiancee to a-long-distance-husband-and-wife and finally now a normal married husband and wife.. and inshaAllah to becoming parents and grandparents. Throughout these stages, we haven’t change a bit. He is still the same Ikhwan I knew back in 2005 and I am still the same person as I was before.

Feeling abit emotional lately, Happy 3.75 years anniversary. It’s been a wonderful journey and he has kept his promise when he said he will try his best to make everyday feel like September 2005…

May Allah bless us and protect us till Jannah..

Fighting Foo

There I was, standing in front of Erlangen Hauptbahnhof, carrying 2 packets of my santan with a little bit of disappointment that I couldn’t find daun pandan at Gandhi. With the new old MP3 player Ikhwan handed down to me, I listened to his selection of songs. After shuffling so many songs, I finally settled with Foo Fighter’s Walking After You. Perfect. As it just stopped raining, and a beautiful but mandane 8°C in small city Erlangen, it kinda reminded me of those afternoon prep time in Taiping, where I used to listen to the exact same song, some 15 years ago. It’s hard to believe that the song still brings the same feeling even after 15 years. And to think that I would be listening to Ikhwan’s mp3, the guy whom I only watched from far as he walked over my classroom carrying his Physics book, 15 years ago. At that time, I never thought I would be marrying this guy. But it’s funny how fate had brought us together. And now, 15 years later, we are still the same person, only older and wiser, with more gray hair..

Here’s to more years to come and forever till Jannah…I will always love him.

a thousand worthless words

There’s a famous saying, ‘A picture is worth a thousand words’. Last night I came up with my own saying, ‘A thousand worthless words pictures an unworthy person’

I was raised in a good family where my parents always taught me to be polite to others, watch my words and sometimes just ignore people. Over the years, I managed to keep my cool and sometimes I just let go because it’s just not worth my time. 

However this time, before I am letting go, I just would like to express my deepest disappointment to a ‘self-acclaimed-public-figure’ who has many followers and fans based on his talent. I lost total respect for this person instantly.

Like any other followers, I was amazed at his work. And I have to agree that his work are technically very professional. However I never bothered about his status updates because it never was relevant. But there are times that when I scrolled through the newsfeed, his updates would come up and I read a few things that are quite disturbing but I never bothered. Yesterday I came upon his status that I find was rather sarcastic. I am not a pscyh major therefore I can’t profile a person. But from the 31 years of my life, somehow God always throw at me these weird people for me to encounter and of course I learned from them. And what I read yesterday, he was one of those weird people that. I briefly and honestly commented and just gave a small piece of my opinion which IN MY OPINION was not controversial. However this person respond was very rude and unprofessional (not only IN MY OPINION but from many as well) and it showed how cetek his mentality is. IN MY OPINION, as a ‘public figure’ who is currently climbing the ladder of success, one should be humble and accept other people’s opinion and not lash at them. 

What I can conclud from this person is that he is on his way to success but maybe he feels that he is already at the top. Maybe he already is. But it doesn’t give him the right to belittle people. IN MY OPINION, he doesn’t listen to critisicm be it positive or negative. He just lashes them out. Maybe that is his secret ingredient to where he is standing now. 

Anyway, I am disappointed because he didn’t respect people’s opinion and what’s more sad is that he uses harsh words in expressing them. 

Well, he lost a follower out of some 70,000 followers. It’s okay for him I guess. I for sure, has lost respect for this person.