the arrival

For 39 weeks I carried her. She was with me all the time. She heard and felt my laughters, tears, happiness and pain.

It was after I made nutella brownies that I had strong contractions. Somehow I knew that it was almost time. I prayed hard so that when the time comes, there would be a clear sign.

My water broke at 230am later that night. I woke Ikhwan up and 15mins later the ambulance came. Feeling nervous, they carried me in those beds with rollers that you see on Grey’s Anatomy. The night was dark, silent and cold. I could feel raindrops falling on my face as they pushed me from our house to the krankenwagen (ambulance truck). Ikhwan held my hand throughout the journey to the hospital as I read some selawat to calm myself down.

After some check ups they sent me to the ward and Ikhwan had to go home and could only come back at 730am. I shared the room with a very young turkish girl. She convinced me about taking Epidural and said that she didnt feel any pain at all.

730am and Ikhwan came again. We spoke to the doctor and I had to eat breakfast as I needed the energy and it was gonna be a long day. I cried in the cafeteria cause the contractions were painful. I called my mom and she told me not to cry and to be strong. The whole time Ikhwan was holding my hand and rubbing my back. It felt better. Ikhwan was amazingly strong and never gave up giving me support. I couldn’t have done this without him.

At 9am I took the epidural. They explained everything to me before I signed some serious amount of paperwork. All I wanted was to get it all done.

After more than 13 hours of labour and several screams and pushes, she came into the world. I heard her first cry and it was amazing. Ikhwan and I both cried. Its true. The first time I held her, all the pain went away. The epidural wasn’t working at the last minute. I felt the labour pain. But The 13 hours of labour. The severe morning sickness. The backpain. All of it was worth it when I held her in my arms.

They left the room and gave us some time with her. We didnt say much. We just looked at her. This amazing gift from Allah who was once 0.44mm when I first knew of her existance was now a 3.49kg baby in front of my eyes and looking back at me.

Remember I wrote about seeing meteor shower last Ramadhan? (U can find this post in this blog) It was a special time that I witnessed one of Allah’s greatest creation. Subhanallah. It was then I prayed for many things one of them was to grant us good offspring.

For that we decided to name her Leyla (means night) Ruqayya (one of The Prophet’s daughters). Alhamdulillah.

Never underestimate the power of prayers. Especially during this holy month. Allahuakbar.

Have a meaningful Ramadhan ūüôā

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Read between the lines (Part 3)

Days went by and I was still unsure of how I felt. We told our family members and they were all very happy and excited. We decided to keep my pregnancy news only to family members and a few close friends.

I still cant believe it I took the pregnancy test 3 times. Ikhwan said the result is still positive. Why do u still wanna take it? To be sure I made an appointment with a gyneacologist. I had to go alone cause ikhwan had to work. While filling up the forms, the questions seemed so scary.

Do you or your family members have cancer
Do you or your family members have high blood pressure

All those deadly questions.. in German didn’t help much with my anxiety.

The wait in the waiting room was killing me. And when my name was called, I entered the room alone. Suddenly I couldn’t speak German. I was totally blank.

I told her that I might be pregnant and wanted to confirm. She did some tests and did my first scan.

There she was. Leyla. So small at only 0.4mm size. The doctor congratulated me and said I was 5 weeks pregnant. I was speechless as I watch through the screen this special gift from Allah. Such a small human being and I could see her heartbeat. I said to myself Alhamdulillah endlessly and the doctor smiled as she saw tears were running down my eyes..  

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Read between the lines (Part 2)

I was contemplating whether to tell Ikhwan about the result. I have pictured this moment a thousand times in my head and imagined his response to the result. But when the real time came, it was far from what I imagined. It was when I sat down in front of an unfinished chicken curry that he suddenly called me from work. We talked as usual and then I told him. Over the phone.

‘So I took the pregnancy test. Skali dia positive’

He paused and laughed. ‘You’re kidding.’

‘See the funny part is… i’m not.’

His voice changed and we decided to talk about it later. I had to meet him for our driving class later in the evening.

When I reached the driving school he was already there. While waiting for the teacher we just sat there staring at the board but not looking directly at it. We didn’t say a word nor talked about the life changing stick. I wasn’t sure how to define my feelings. It was between shock and excited and nervous all at the same time. I guess he felt the same way too. After class we walked back home together. The normal 10mins walk felt like forever since we were both very silent and for the first time after 3 years being married, it felt so awkward..

To be continued…

Read between the lines

I couldn’t sleep last night. I browsed and arranged some of the pictures saved in my phone. And deleted unnecessary ones. Suddenly those pictures of food didn’t look as tempting.

Looking back at those pictures made me feel like I was reliving the days of my life before. I stopped at one picture that had changed my life completely. Yes. It was the result of the pregnancy test kit. I remember it like it was yesterday.

It was on a Tuesday afternoon that I suddenly decided to get one of those pregnancy test kit at M√ľller. I bought those test kit so many times before but somehow this time it felt different. When I reached home, I heated the chicken curry and went to the toilet to take the test. It was 1 line after the first 3 minutes so I just left it there at the sink feeling disappointed. After so many times taking the test , the disappointment didn’t matter that much anymore.

So my curry was heated and I was about to have lunch when suddenly I remembered to wash my hands. I went to the toilet again and glanced at the kit. I was confused when suddenly there was another fine line. 2 lines.

I wasn’t sure so I snapped a picture of it and whatsapped it to my sister.

‘Yong. cuba tgk ni’

[Pic attached]

i think u might be pregnant’

I read the manual and it said that to wait for 10 mins to see the results. La!

I sat down for awhile…

To read more.. wait for my next post..


When I say today’s date, I thought, 3.75 years seems like yesterday.

It was on the 13th of June 2009 that me and Ikhwan got married. I still remember vividly how I used to mark how many days left. I was at my old office and I had crossed out 100 and it was 99 days left and I smiled and screamed silently, ‘yes!’. Yeah, girls.

We have transitioned from being I-only-know-that-you-exist schoolmates, to friends to really good friends to bestfriends to girlfriend-boyfriend to not-only-long-distant-but-also-different-day-and-night-timezone-girlfriend-boyfriend to an-8-month-of-only-internet-connection-fiancee to a-long-distance-husband-and-wife and finally now a normal married husband and wife.. and inshaAllah to becoming parents and grandparents. Throughout these stages, we haven’t change a bit. He is still the same Ikhwan I knew back in 2005 and I am still the same person as I was before.

Feeling abit emotional lately, Happy 3.75 years anniversary. It’s been a wonderful journey and he has kept his promise when he said he will try his best to make everyday feel like September 2005…

May Allah bless us and protect us till Jannah..

Fighting Foo

There I was, standing in front of Erlangen Hauptbahnhof, carrying 2 packets of my santan with a little bit of disappointment that I couldn’t find daun pandan at Gandhi. With the new old MP3 player Ikhwan handed down to me, I listened to his selection of songs. After shuffling so many songs, I finally settled with Foo Fighter’s Walking After You. Perfect. As it just stopped raining, and a beautiful but mandane 8¬įC in small city Erlangen, it kinda reminded me of those afternoon prep time in Taiping, where I used to listen to the exact same song, some 15 years ago. It’s hard to believe that the song still brings the same feeling even after 15 years. And to think that I would be listening to Ikhwan’s mp3, the guy whom I only watched from far as he walked over my classroom carrying his Physics book, 15 years ago. At that time, I never thought I would be marrying this guy. But it’s funny how fate had brought us together. And now, 15 years later, we are still the same person, only older and wiser, with more gray hair..

Here’s to more years to come and forever till Jannah…I will always love him.

a thousand worthless words

There’s a famous saying, ‘A picture is worth a thousand words’. Last night I came up with my own saying, ‘A thousand worthless words pictures an unworthy person’

I was raised in a good family where my parents always taught me to be polite to others, watch my words and sometimes just ignore people. Over the years, I managed to keep my cool and sometimes I just let go because it’s just not worth my time.¬†

However this time, before I am letting go, I just would like to express my deepest disappointment to a ‘self-acclaimed-public-figure’ who has many followers and fans based on his talent. I lost total respect for this person instantly.

Like any other followers, I was amazed at his work. And I have to agree that his work are technically very professional. However I never bothered about his status updates because it never was relevant. But there are times that when I scrolled through the newsfeed, his updates would come up and I read a few things that are quite disturbing but I never bothered. Yesterday I came upon his status that I find was rather sarcastic. I am not a pscyh major therefore I can’t profile a person. But from the 31 years of my life, somehow God always throw at me these weird people for me to encounter and of course I learned from them. And what I read yesterday, he was one of those weird people that. I briefly and honestly commented and just gave a small piece of my opinion which IN MY OPINION was not controversial. However this person respond was very rude and unprofessional (not only IN MY OPINION but from many as well) and it showed how cetek his mentality is. IN MY OPINION, as a ‘public figure’ who is currently climbing the ladder of success, one should be humble and accept other people’s opinion and not lash at them.¬†

What I can conclud from this person is that he is on his way to success but maybe he feels that he is already at the top. Maybe he already is. But it doesn’t give him the right to belittle people. IN MY OPINION, he doesn’t listen to critisicm be it positive or negative. He just lashes them out. Maybe that is his secret ingredient to where he is standing now.¬†

Anyway, I am disappointed because he didn’t respect people’s opinion and what’s more sad is that he uses harsh words in expressing them.¬†

Well, he lost a follower out of some 70,000 followers. It’s okay for him I guess. I for sure, has lost respect for this person.¬†

the not so interesting post

It has been a while since I’ve last updated my blog. That’s bad for an avid blogger. Meanwhile, it’s snowing heavily outside and I am contemplating whether or not I should go and buy Fish to cook for dinner tonight.

So much has happened I don’t know where to begin. Let me work retrospectively. It’s now Winter. And we had visitors who came over for about 4 weeks. I was very very occupied. Facebook has become quite a bore since I see so many poyo people. (Don’t get me started on this). From time to time I vent out on twitter.

Well, that’s about it for now. I am sorry I don’t have my blogger’s hat with me now. So there’s nothing much to blog about. Till then, enjoy the rest of 2012.

Salam Eid Ul Adha

I write best when I am feeling sad or down or anything around that range. Right now I am feeling sebak. I really don’t know how to explain it in English. But I try my best to describe it. It’s like there is this big thing just stuck on your chest and you try so hard to get it out. And the best way to do it is sometimes to cry. As a woman with full of emotions and sensitivity, I cried. Why you may wonder?

I cried after listening to Takbir on youtube. Yes. Tomorrow all Muslims around the world will celebrate Eid-Ul Adha. And this sebakness that I feel is due to vivid flashes of memories in my head on how I used to celebrate Eid Ul Adha with my family back home. We would go for prayers at the mosque nearby our house. And listen to the Kutbah and Takbir.Later on we would drive back home and have our breakfast. And then return to the mosque to see the slaughtering of the cow and help around. Usually the day would be very tiring but it gives a sense of fullfilment at the same time. My nephews and nieces would pull my hand  asking me to accompany them watching the slaughtering of the cow because they are scared but eager at the same time.

It has been 3 years that I have celebrated Eid Ul Adha here in Deutschland. Although the feeling is somewhat different, I try to think of the times when I celebrated it back home. And always this feeling of sebakness will come. Sometimes the feeling is just too strong you feel like a thousand knives poking your chest (naah, too dramatic).. you feel like you are almost there.. with them.. at the mosque..

Right now is the best time to make your Dua and prayers.. So to all fellow Muslim brothers and sisters.. pray hard.. pray for all the goodness and everything that you wish for.. because the power of Dua is soo powerful that you will feel the sebakness when you pray truly and sincerely from your heart..


May Allah bless us all.. and grant all our Dua and prayers..

Salam Eid Ul Adha to all Muslims.. wherever you are..


bahasa post

Due to requests, I am now updating my blog.. but reposting from my previous blog. I am truly sorry. I am right now abit blank.. ūüė¶ and I am working on something. But I managed to find this post, and I hope you guys like it..

This was posted on 19 December 2008. MSO is my significant other which is right now my husband ūüôā

I hope you guys enjoy reading this as much as I enjoyed typing it ūüôā Do leave comments okay!

Semenjak aku memetik tetikus dan singgah ke beberapa blog – blog yang menggunakan bahasa kebangsaan kita, Bahasa Melayu yang cukup puitis dan penuh¬†perfection¬†membuatkan aku terfikir,¬†mengapa tidak berblog menggunakan Bahasa Melayu sahaja¬†?¬†you know,¬†memartabatkan bahasa kebangsaan kita?”

Aku terfikir sejenak sambil merenung di luar tingkap dan memerhatikan angin tiup sepoi – sepoi bahasa dan sekali sekala cukup kuat untuk menggugurkan dedaun di ranting pokok yang tersusun rapi di sepanjang jalan. situasi ini memberikan gambaran bahawa mungkinkah begini keadaannya di waktu fall atau autumn in New York. Imaginasiku kembali ke negara asal apabila kedengaran azan berkumandang menyahut umat Islam menunaikan ibadah solat Jumaat di masjid. Kelihatan di luar kaum Adam melangkahkan diri menuju ke masjid, sehala dalam satu tujuan, iaitu meninggalkan apa yang sedang dikerjakan untuk menunaikan ibadah.

Begitu indahnya Islam. Sesibuk mana tugasan hairan, pasti meluangkan masa untuk berbicara dengan Allah.

Aku melihat pada nasi bergaulkan lauk ayam dendeng yang dibekalkan oleh¬†mama¬†dari rumah. Alangkah bersyukurnya aku mempunyai ibu yang cukup penyayang, ayah yang cukup¬†caring¬†dan kakak serta abang – abang yang cukup¬†protective.¬†Mama yang kusalute¬†kerana kehebatannya sebagai seorang wanita, ibu, isteri, anak dan nenek yang tidak mengenal erti ‘tidak’ apabila diminta pertolongan, membesarkan dan mendidik kami berempat agak menjadi insan yang berguna. Papa yang aku hormati kerana kehebatannya sebagai seorang ayah walaupun dalam kesibukannya bekerja di dalam dunia korporat, masa bersama isteri dan anak – anak tidak pernah terabai. Segala perkara tentang kami adik – beradik pasti dikaji dan mencari jalan yang terbaik untuk kami meneruskan cita – cita kami. Thanks¬†Ma¬†and¬†Pa. Adik beradik ku yang selalu menyakat dan membuliku kerana akulah yang bongsu. Segala baju – baju yang tidak muat, pen atau pensil kecil dan comel akan diturunkan padaku kerana “sayang untuk buang, bagi kamu jelah”. Dan diriku yang agak sentimental ini akan menyimpan barang – barang itu sehinggakan satu ketika untuk aku mengemas bilik dan mendapati barang – barang dari tahun 80an masih ku simpan sehingga hari ini. Dan mereka bertiga juga akan makan dengan pantas dan meninggalkan aku di¬†dining table¬†sambil menjerit “siapa last, KEMAS!” dan menuju ke bilik masing – masing. Dan mulut aku akan berkumat kamit dengan bebelan yang tidak henti sambil berdiri di atas kerusi membasuh pinggan di singki dapur pada umur yang masih kecil. Namun, di dalam kesusahan, kami pasti menghulurkan bantuan, sokongan dan¬†just be there for each other.. Itulah kami.. Itulah adik beradik ku..

Ku lihat jam di tepi skrin komputer, 154 pm katanya. Pasti MSO sedang berjalan menuju ke train station di Mannheim dan setibanya di Heidelberg akan berjalan pantas menuju ke pejabatnya. Dan terus melaksanakan tugasan untuk hari itu. Dia sangat passionate dengan kerjanya. Tetapi dia tidaklah rajin berblog seperti aku, tidak juga gemar fotografi seperti aku, dan tidak juga suka menonton Hindustan atau chic flick seperti aku. Tergelak kecil di hati ini mengenangkan perbedaan kami. MSO lebih gemarkan perkara berkaitan computer, IT, computer games dan consoles, menggilai football dan hobi di masa lapang adalah bersukan terutamanya bola sepak dan basketball. Namun, kesamaan kami tetap ada. Kami gemar menonton filem, kami gemar bershopping ataupun dia sahaja menemani aku shopping, sering ke kedai kopi bersama sambil berbual tentang isu Рisu semasa (domestic dan international), menghabiskan masa di kedai buku sambil membaca buku bidang masing Рmasing ataupun novel Рnovel. MSO suka akan koleksi Dan Brown dan John Grisham, sementara aku pula lebih berminat dengan Mitch Albom dan Paolo Coelho. Dalam keadaan yang berjauhan sebanyak 11,000 kilometer kami bermain online games bersama. yang sering menjadi kegemaran adalah literati untuk menguji vocabulary masing Рmasing. Selalunya, MSO akan mendapat markah tertinggi. Dan alasan aku adalah saja kasi chance tetapi aku tahu Englishnya tidak dinafikan lebih baik berbanding aku. Adakalanya kami berbalas Рbalas teka teki dan ketawa akan kebo*ohan jawapan pada teka Рteki itu.

Dalam jangkamasa jari jemari aku pantas memetik keyboard sambil mata tidak lekang dari skrin komputer dan berblog didalam bahasa kebangsaan ini, aku terfikir, adakah aku memiliki bakat dalam penulisan seperti Paolo Coelho atau Mitch Album? Atau lebih agresif seperti Elizabeth Wurtzel dalam novelnya Prozac Nation berkisarkan wanita yang demented dan obses menggunakan Prozac.

Kiranya benarlah jawapan yang diharap – harapkan pada persoalan itu, maka berikanlah aku idea yang bernas serta kekuatan yang cukup hebat bagi melahirkan sesuatu yang ingin aku lahirkan sejak aku mengenal erti dunia penulisan yang tiada batasannya. Itulah cita – cita yang aku pendam semenjak berumur 13 tahun di mana aku sering menconteng¬†poems¬†pada kulit buku sekolah. Menulis novel – novel Inggeris tentang remaja dan kehidupan yang ku fikir cukup mendalam padaku pada ketika itu, namun bila aku melihat semula, aku hanya menggelengkan kepala sambil ketawa dan berkata pada diriku “what were you thinking Dora? heh”. Ada kalanya aku mencuba nasib dan menghantar karyaku ke surat khabar untuk dipublish. Pernah sekali mungkin karyaku menepati kriteria secara minima dan disiarkan di akhbar The Sun. Pada masa itu, kurasakan diri ini sudah seperti seorang penulis hebat. Berjalan bersama pen diselitkan di belakang telinga seolah – olah idea yang keluar dari minda dapat dicatitkan dengan pantas pada kertas buku nota kecil yang sering ku bawa ke mana jua. Melihat Cheryl Samad di dalam cerita¬†Ghost¬†di 8tv mengingatkan kembali impian aku yang ingin menjadi novelist atau journalist. Akan tetapi, apabila membaca¬†blog – blog¬†orang lain yang jauh lebih berbakat dariku membuatkan aku tertelan air liur buat seketika. Mampukah aku bersaing dengan mereka – mereka ini ? Yang bertanggapan¬†we write for passion not for money. Ya, saya juga menulis atas dasar minat tetapi kepuasan itu tidaklah sama seperti melihat nama atau nama pena termaktub pada buku yang dijilid dan diletakkan pada rak – rak buku MPH atau lebih hebat lagi, Kinokuniya atau Borders.

Ku masih berharap dan berdoa agar dapat ku lihat suatu hari hasil karyaku di rak Рrak buku di MPH. Dan instead of aku dan MSO mencari buku Mitch Albom atau Dan Brown, kami berlari Рlari dan berlumba mencari buku hasil penulisanku (kadang Рkadang kami berlari Рlari seperti budak Рbudak sekolah Tingkatan 4. Satu perlakuan yang mungkin janggal dilihat memandangkan umur kami menjangkau hujung 20an tetapi agak seronok juga). Mungkin, pada ketika itu, aku akan mengingat kembali, saat ketika ku menulis blog ini.. dalam bahasa Melayu..

Tetapi tidak salah juga jika menulis di dalam bahasa Inggeris seperti penulis muda yang berbakat, Dina Zaman atau, Dr. Farish Noor.

Kiranya benarlah…